


raging inside of me

by notquiteaghost



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Dorks in Love, Fluff, Genderqueer Character, Other, literally so much fluff god
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-26
Updated: 2013-12-16
Packaged: 2018-01-02 17:57:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1059814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notquiteaghost/pseuds/notquiteaghost
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Newton comes out to Hermann two years after they meet, seven months after te realises te finds Hermann really attractive, and three months after te realises that this probably goes a teensy bit further than pure physical attraction.</p><p>Predictably, it's during a not-quite-an-argument.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is for my darling mym, because i love them a whole lot & they love newt a whole lot & yeah. 
> 
> title is from 'FUCKMYLIFE666' by against me!, & the entire line is important; _no more troubled sleep, there's a brave new world that's raging inside of me_.
> 
> (the first thing i post for this fandom is non-binary fic & exactly no one is surprised).

Newton comes out to Hermann two years after they meet, seven months after te realises te finds Hermann really attractive, and three months after te realises that this probably goes a teensy bit further than pure physical attraction.

Predictably, it's during a not-quite-an-argument.

"What kind of name is 'Newton', anyway?" Hermann asks, with a sneer, because they've been at this for like, two whole hours, and they're starting to get kinda petty. "Did your mother not love you?"

"I wouldn't know." Newt replies, with an only-slightly-pained grin. "And, anyway, she didn't name me that."

Hermann raises an eyebrow.

"My birthname is just," Newt wrinkles ter nose, "Let's not even talk about it, I get kinda nauseous just thinking about it. I like Newton a _lot_ better." Te levels Hermann a look. "I mean, I picked it out myself."

Hermann freezes, and then Newt's brain catches up with ter mouth, and oh God, did te really just say that? _Really_? Te can't even have tact when te's talking about temself, wow.

"Well." Hermann says, slightly stiltedly. "In that case, I retract my previous statement." A pause. "We should both get back to work."

Then he turns away, back to his chalkboard, like Newt isn't open-mouthedly gaping at him right now. Te was expecting shouting, insults, more sneering, at least a little shock. 

"Are we not-- Um, most people would want to. Talk? Generally? When someone says something like that, usually--"

"I do not see it as important." Hermann says, without turning to look at tem. "If there's something you wish to tell me, feel free; I am not about to bombard you with invasive questions just because you alluded to something unthinkingly. It's none of my business."

"...I could kiss you right now." Newt replies, wonderingly, without thinking. Christ, te really needs to stop doing that, it's going to get tem into trouble. ...More trouble. "God, you're wonderful, you're amazing, you're _really great_ , have I ever mentioned that? Really, genuinely _great_."

Hermann still hasn't turned round, but Newt can hear him smiling. "I appreciate the sentiment, Newton." 

"I'm going to tell you a thing now, because you have just demonstrated that you are totally worthy of my trust and also a wonderful human being, so this is me trusting you, okay, this is a big thing, please don't stab me in the back here, I'm reaching out--"

Hermann finally turns round to look at him. "Newton. Get to the point."

Newt swallows, runs a hand through ter hair. "Right. Yes. Um. Trans. I'm trans. Non-binary, to be specific. Which, er; not a boy, not a girl. Kinda leaning towards agender right now, but I don't really know, this shit's real complicated. But. Um. Yeah. That's. That's a thing. And, um, please say something, you're kinda freaking me out here--"

"I confess I'm not incredibly informed about this kind of thing, but I understand pronouns are important?"

Newt breathes out, which is weird, te didn't even realise te was holding ter breath. "I'm pretty changeable, but I'll, er, I'll try to keep you up to date. Right now, I'm liking te/ter/tem. But don't, like, out me to anyone, literally no one else knows and that's kinda how I want to keep it, at least for now, you're just, y'know, _you_ , so."

Hermann smiles at him, all fond and pleased and shit, _shit_ , Newt's brain kinda shortcircuits for a moment because Hermann never smiles like that, especially not at /Newt/, of all people in the world. Te swallows.

"I'm glad to know that you trust me." Hermann says, and Jesus, he even _sounds_ fond, what is the world coming too-- "And I shall do my best to respect you."

"Ohgodpleasedon'tstoparguingwithme." Newt says, all in a rush, and Hermann raises an eyebrow. "I mean. Don't treat me like I'm glass, or anything, please don't do that, I hate that, I'm exactly the same person as I was like, half an hour ago, this shouldn't change anything."

"Somehow, I doubt your gender has any affect on your maturity, your conduct or your sense of self-preservation." Hermann replies, somehow both dry and fond, and warmth blooms in Newt's chest because te knows what he means and God, Hermann is so damn cute, it's distressing. It's genuinely distressing, Newt is genuinely distressed right now. "So, no, this shan't change a thing."

Newt grins at him, wide and bright and there's probably food in ter teeth or something but te does not care, not one tiny little bit, because Hermann is wonderful and accepting and _really freaking cute_.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so, quick note: newt's pronouns are going to change with every timeskip, because a) this fic jumps around time-wise a lot & b) newt's pronouns change a lot.
> 
> in this chapter, newt's pronouns are **ve/ver**.

Newt has been in LOCCENT for the past few hours.

Ve didn't really have any particular reason to be there, if ve's being honest. Ve could probably think one up if need be, but really, ve just wanted to talk to Tendo. And, to be fair, ve didn't mean to talk to Tendo for almost three hours.

When Newt's walking back towards the lab, though, ve's surprised to hear the sound of voices drifting down the corridor towards ver. It's not that Hermann doesn't talk to anyone, it's just that he's incredibly anti-social and, generally, people have to come to him if they want to talk. And a lot of people are kind of scared to come into the lab since that thing with the explosion a couple of months ago.

"--incredible, ve is just _incredible_." Hermann is saying, when Newt gets close enough to distinguish words. Newt immediately freezes, because those are ver pronouns, Hermann's talking about ver. "I don't tell ver very often, because it would only go to ver head--"

"Why don't you tell ver?" And that's Mako, which makes sense. Mako makes time to talk to Hermann, like actually plans it into her day and everything, because Mako is an absolute sweetheart.

There's a pause. Hermann probably glared at Mako, that one particular 'did you seriously just ask that question' glare that Newt sees a lot of.

"No, I'm serious." Mako says. "Why don't you tell ver? Are you worried ve will reject you?"

...Wait, _what_?

"Newton is my colleguage." Hermann replies, slowly, like he's picking his words carefully. "And, though heaven knows how it happened, ve is my friend. And I do not want to risk that on a whim."

"It's not a whim. Have you really not seen the way ve looks at you?"

There's another pause, and Newt has no idea what Hermann's face is doing now because ve has no frame of reference for this, and oh God Hermann might be _blushing_. Newt bursts into the lab without ever deciding to move because what if Hermann's blushing, ve needs to see that, that is so important.

Hermann and Mako both freeze. Mako just looks surprised, but Hermann looks scared, almost, worried, and also that's definitely the remains of a blush, and Jesus it's cute. It's just unfair how _cute_ Hermann is, it really is. There should be, like, laws again it, or something. Seriously.

"Hey, Mako." Newt says, absently, as ve walks towards Hermann. 

"Newton, what have I told you about eaves--" Hermann starts to say, sounding like he'd sound a lot angrier if he could get over how worried he is, but he doesn't get any further, because Newt kisses him.

Hermann's lips are chapped and he lets out a small surprised noise and doesn't move for three torturous seconds, and then he's relaxing against Newt and bringing a hand up to cup Newt's face and oh wow, why didn't Newt do this earlier. Why did they spend so long not kissing when they could have been kissing, that was really obtuse of them, and okay that is Hermann's tongue _Jesus_ Hermann's a good kisser, why is Newt even surprised, of course he's a good kisser. _Jesus_.

Newt pulls back after a long moment, and turns ver head slightly to smile sheepishly at Mako. "Um, sorry, I just. It was really important that I kissed him."

But Mako's grinning fondly at them. "I'm very happy for you both. And I'm going to leave now. Have fun!"

Then she walks out of the lab, closing the door behind her, and Newt turns back to look at Hermann, who's staring at ver with wide eyes and very-slightly-kiss-red lips.

Newt swallows.

"So I've kind of--" Ve starts to say, at the exact same time Hermann says, "I must confess, I--"

They both stop, and Newt lets out a bark of a laugh, this is so surreal, before nodding at Hermann for him to continue.

"I have wanted to do that for quite some time." Hermann admits, and he's definitely blushing now. It's _adorable_.

"We should have been doing that years ago." Newt agrees. Hermann smiles, ducking his head, and Newt beams back at him. Jesus, he's adorable. Then, after a beat, it occurs to ver that ve can actually say that out loud now, so ve says, "Jesus, you're adorable," which just makes Hermann smile wider.

Which, of course, means Newt has to lean in for another kiss. Obviously. Because, seriously, Hermann is a _really_ good kisser.

And, okay, so they don't end up getting much of anything done all day, but if you ask Newt, it's still a definite success.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> newt's pronouns in this chapter are **xe/xyr/xem** & **ne/nir/nem**.
> 
> the second half of this chapter contains what could be seen as binarism (it's more of a misunderstanding, but it's a misunderstanding with Consequences) and newt getting upset as a result.

It's nearly three in the morning, and Newt is still in the lab.

Which, okay, not that weird. Actually pretty typical, really. What would be weird if Newt wasn't in the lab, if xe was actually in bed or something. _That_ would be weird.

But, okay, there is something weird here, something unusual. Because, yes, Newt is in the lab, but xe isn't wrists-deep in kaiju guts or anything like that. Xe also isn't alone.

Instead, Newt is sprawled out on xyr back on the floor. Hermann is sat in a chair next to xem. Newt is staring at the ceiling, and the parts of Hermann xe can actually see, and waving xyr hands wildly as xe talks.

"No, see, gender is like, it's like this whole _thing_. There are so many words, right, and none of them fit, but I can't even describe why they don't fit. Like, I'm not even sure I know what fitting feels like." Xe pauses for a second, the meaning behind that sentence sinking in. "Wait, okay. I don't know what it feels like to be comfortable in my own gender identity, wow, that is fucked up."

"Why don't you make a word up?" Hermann says. Hermann's so good at cutting through Newt's bullshit, all the extra stuff that just comes tumbling out of xyr mouth because xe doesn't have a filter, and working out what xe's actually trying to say. It's refreshing. Newt never has to repeat xemself.

"Easier said than done." Newt replies. "I mean, good idea - _great_ idea, even - but, like, wow, so much easier said than done."

"Newton, you have six doctorates." Hermann says, in that one tone of voice he doesn't really use a lot, the one that sounds like 'I think you're being self-deprecating and I disapprove and think you should stop because you are amazing', the one that sends tiny little happy shivers up Newt's spine.

Newt counters that, mostly to be a dick, with, "None of them are in gender studies."

"Newton."

There's a brief pause, and then Newt sighs and runs a hand through xyr hair. It's getting kind of long, xe should probably look at getting it cut before catching glance of xemself in the mirror starts to make xem flinch. "You're going to think I'm ridiculous."

"I think you're ridiculous already."

"Yeah, thanks, that was really comforting." Newt snaps, then winces. "No, I take that back, sorry, I'm just. You know." Xe waves a hand through the hair, a tightening spiral of a gesticulation. 

Hermann nods. "You're also stalling. Out with it already, before I fall asleep."

"Okay, well, um. There's this, like, I don't want to say trend, that has some really shitty implications, but, okay, I don't know how to phrase it, but. Um. You know the internet?"

Rolling his eyes, Hermann says. "Yes, Newton. I know the internet."

"You know how the internet, like, breeds ideas? Like one person does a thing, other people see it and talk about it and copy it and then suddenly everyone's doing it?"

Hermann nods, though Newt suspects he doesn't actually know what Newt means, but that's alright, Newt wasn't expecting him to. Hermann doesn't internet like Newt internets.

"So, once upon a time, someone said 'I'm not a boy and I'm not a girl, I'm a monster'. As, like-- Okay, I don't know if it started out as a serious thing, but now it's kind of a serious thing? Like, words are great, labels are great, and sometimes the only labels you can find that work are slightly unconventional? I'm kind of losing track of my own train of thought, but what I'm trying to say is--"

"Kaiju." Hermann says, nodding. "The term you would be most comfortable describing your gender identity with is 'kaiju'."

Newt allows xemself a few seconds to just gape. "Okay, that was just scary."

"You're not as cryptic as you like to think you are." Hermann says, rolling his eyes fondly.

Newt swallows. "Right. Yes. Um. You don't think I'm ridiculous?"

"No, Newt, I don't think you're ridiculous."

Just like always, Hermann calling him Newt hits xem like a punch in the stomach. The fond expression on his face and the way his voice has softened doesn't help matters, either. Newt is going to die, Jesus.

"Right. That's. That's great, yay, that's really great, um."

Hermann rolls his eyes again, but he still looks fond. It's getting kind of disconcerting, to be honest. "Was there anything else you wanted to add, or did you plan to trail off into incoherency?"

Newt shoves at Hermann's ankle, the only part of him xe can comfortably reach. Hermann, the bastard, just laughs, so then Newt has to stand up to tickle him, and then the conversation kind of disintegrates for a while in favour of an incredibly mature tickle fight.

What is Newt's life, seriously.

\------

The PPDC involves a lot more paperwork than Newt had originally been expecting.

Like, okay, obviously it involves paperwork, it's this major organisation and they authorise people to play around with giant robots, of course there's going to be paperwork, it's more that Newt just. Didn't think about it. In that way that ne doesn't really think about anything, at all, ever, until something or someone makes nem think about it.

Also, paperwork is _annoying_.

"Newt!"

Newt looks up from the report ne's reading abruptly. Tendo is standing a couple of feet away, looking really exasperated. Probably because of something Newt's done. It's usually because of something Newt's done.

"Yeah?"

Tendo waves a tablet at nem. "Do I need to lecture you on the appropriate time and place for jokes _again_?"

"What?" Newt says, frowning.

"The form, Newt." Tendo says, like he thinks Newt's playing dumb. "Look, okay, I get that you have your whole thing, and I'm not gonna stand here and try and police your identity or whatever, but, I mean, c'mon. There's fucking with the binary and tne there's dicking around."

"...Oh." Newt's eyes widen. "Oh, right, yeah, um. Sorry. I wasn't... I wasn't thinking, sorry. It. Yeah. Sorry."

Tendo frowns at him. "You okay?"

Newt isn't, but Tendo doesn't need to know that. As much as Newt loves him, there are just some things he's not ever gonna understand. So Newt waves a hand and says, "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I'll fill in the form again, don't worry about it. Sorry for, uh, sorry for causing a fuss."

Tendo's still frowning, but he doesn't press, thank God, just nods at Newt once and disappears off, probably to flirt with the engineers again.

"Newton?" Hermann asks. Newt jumps; ne had completedly forgotten Hermann was even in the room.

Spinning on nir heel to face him, Newt flashes Hermann a winning smile. "Yeah?"

It doesn't, of course it doesn't, it doesn't fool Hermann for a second. He narrows his eyes at Newt, like ne's an equation Hermann can't quite figure out. "Did you write 'kaiju' on an official form?"

"Yep." Newt says, winning smile still holding, only the tiniest bit strained. "Thought it'd get a laugh or two, y'know--"

"And Tendo just told you to change it?"

Newt just nods to that. Ne can feel nir grip on words slipping, like sand between nir fingers. Ne can feel nir mood dropping, too, everything dropping in tandem, synchronised dancers, God ne's a mess.

"You should refuse." Hermann says. He sounds serious about it, too, his posture all rigid like he gets whenever anyone says something rude about Newt. Except no one's being rude, if anyone was rude then it was Newt. "You can't let them tell you how to--"

"Don't." Newt cuts in. "Just-- don't. Please. I fucked up, I made a mistake, I'm gonna fix it and then everything's gonna return to normal and please don't make me talk about this, I _can't_."

Hermann's mouth is a thin line. For one horrible - worse, worse than horrible, everything is kinda horrible right now, Newt's baseline is all out of whack, shit ne feels like ne's gonna collapse - second, for one _horrible_ second Newt thinks he's gonna press it, he's not gonna let it go, but then time moves on and Hermann relaxes his face and nods. "Fine. I was thinking about going to get lunch, are you hungry?"

Newt shakes nir head. Hermann nods again, and leaves the lab, giving the space that Newt needs and hadn't been able to ask for because Hermann is a fucking gift from God and what in Christ's name Newt did to deserve him, ne will never know. 

Hermann leaves, meaning Newt's alone. Meaning Newt's alone in the lab, with some half-read reports and half-drunk cups of coffee and several pieces of kaiju guts. And nir thoughts. And the fucking form.

Grabbing a tablet, Newt sinks to the floor, leaning nir back against the desk. There's a chair only a few feet away, but even that feels like too far. 

Ne unlocks the tablet, pulling up the form entry page, and fills it in methodically, without thinking, until ne hits 'gender'. It's a text box, and Newt knows that alone is an achievement, knows ne's lucky that the PPDC even recognise nir existence at all. That doesn't make this feel any less like giving in, though.

Ne stares at the box, unable to bring nemself to write anything.

Ne's still staring at the box when Hermann comes back, God knows how long later. The box is still empty. Newt might be having a minor breakdown.

"Are you still filling out that blasted form?" Hermann asks, as he sets a plate of food and a flask of something that's most likely tea on Newt's desk. 

Newt nods.

Hermann makes an abbreviated, frustrated noise, then kneels awkwardly beside Newt. "They should not be making you do this."

"Please don't." Newt replies, voice quiet. "This is-- please don't make a scene. I'm fine. I've dealt with worse."

Hermann makes that noise again. "But you shouldn't _have_ to. They should be bending over _backwards_ to accomodate your every need, this is not _fair_."

"Life's not fair." Newt says, voice falling flat of joking, mouth pulled into something that falls flat of a smile.

"That does not mean I have to like it." Hermann snaps, then softens, adding, "You are hurting, and it's their fault, and I can't-- I cannot fix it. I hate that I cannot fix it."

Something warm blooms through Newt's chest. "Sap."

"Yes, well. You do appear to have that affect on me."

There's a brief pause. Newt shuffles closer to Hermann, resting nir head on his knee. The contact alone is comforting, a reminder that ne isn't alone. The words are almost too much.

After a few minutes of just breathing, Hermann sighs and says, "Here, give me the tablet." And Newt hands it to him, because ne might have no idea what he's going to do but ne trusts him. A lot. 

Hermann taps a few buttons, quick and precise, then hands the tablet back. The display has changed, now showing the completed form and asking 'Are you sure you wish to save these changes?'. The textbox covers up whatever Hermann entered for gender, but Newt trusts him, so ne presses 'Yes'. 

That pulls up another text box - 'Changes saved', and below it ' _Gender: Non-conforming_ '. It doesn't fit, not really, but it's something, and it was out of Newt's hands. Newt places the tablet on the floor and allows Hermann to pull nem up and manouerve nem into a chair.

"Well done, darling, I'm proud of you." Hermann says, pressing a kiss to Newt's forehead and then retreating back to his side of the lab, giving Newt space.

Newt really, _really_ doesn't know what ne did to deserve this man.

**Author's Note:**

> i am [here](http://gideonreader.tumblr.com/) on tumblr.
> 
> again; there should be more of this in a couple of days. (but don't hold me to that.)


End file.
